Thursday, July 31, 2008

Goodnight baby

I will fill in the blanks between now and the last post, because God has done much in my heart worth filling in, but for today all I could write about was our news.

Did you notice in the previous blog I referred to the baby as "he?" Today was the day we had an appointment to go over the test results. I couldn't wait to meet with the Dr. today to find out if our suspicions were correct. They put us in two chairs across from the Dr.'s desk, while we waited for him to finish up with another patient. Picture me sitting next to Troy, well actually half-standing, half-sitting so I could peek over the desk at the test results that the Dr. would surely share with us in a matter of minutes. I could not contain myself - no matter how many times my husband told me to "stop looking at the Dr.'s papers!"

Well, we were right! I had carried a baby boy. It was so fulfilling for me to know that we really did "know" our baby as well as we thought. I was amazed at how happy I was just to have that connection to him, of knowing he was a boy.

It has been an emotional day. I went from blubbering all the way to the Dr's office while I soaked in some awesome worship music, to laughing with Troy and the Dr. as we digested much of the good news we got today, (more on that later), to me staring mutely as a lady congratulated me on the baby tonight and I couldn't figure out how to say 'there was no baby.'

I also get frustrated that I can't just seem to say our baby is gone without getting emotional - as in leaky tears and failed words. I don't want my tears to be interpreted as only sorrow. God has done so much in my heart and through this circumstance, that my tears simply signify how overwhelmed I am that He is here with me. And I find myself rambling on and giving much more information than I need to in an effort to let people know it is a much more beautiful story than it appears to be upon first glance.

So tonight I want to say, Goodnight baby boy. We are grateful for ALL that God has done because of you. I told your Daddy tonight that if I had the option of skipping this experience, I would refuse. God has used you to draw me closer to Him and I wouldn't trade our short time, even if I could. Love you!

1 comment:

Holli said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your loss, and your pain, are fresher than mine. Rest assured, it does get easier. Praying for you.