Family and Friendship

I'm sure we've all heard the old wives' tale in regards to being a parent, “You can’t be friends with your child if you wish to parent them.” I've heard it many times and never really taken the time to consider it before.

I guess I probably thought it was true in light of my own childhood. My parents were either my friend, or my parent, but never both at the same time. I knew the days I was a close confidant or a buddy, and I knew the days I was just a child to be disciplined and kept in my place.

Today At the Well, we are discussing friendship within the family. We are taking a look at the phrase in Titus 2:4, "to love their husbands."

I obtained a new perspective of the verse when Amy revealed that the original word used for "love" is derived from Philos, which means to love in the sense of to be friends with. It means, “friend, to be friendly to one, wish him well.” This is different from the “love” of John 13:34, Agapao, which means "to welcome, to entertain, to be fond of, to love dearly.” The same can be said of the phrase "love their children."


The more I pondered this, the more I could picture friendship and parenting marching hand in hand. Here are just a few of the characteristics the Bible attributes to a friend.

What is a Friend?

Someone you trust and share with ~Psalms 41:9
Always loves you ~ Proverbs 17:17
Sticks with you ~ Proverbs 18:24
Gives you good counsel ~ Prov 27:9
Helps you up when you've failed ~ Ecc 4:10
Would give their life for you ~ John 15:13
Shares with you ~ John 15:15

When I think of my dearest friends, I know they are always available when I am in need. I am certain they will tell me when I'm out of line, as they want the best for me. They encourage me to grow. My closest friends are not afraid to be honest with me. They recognize my failures, but also encourage me to learn from them and move past them. They cheer on my victories, big and small. They even stand up for me when others attack.

Who wouldn't want a parent who does all that? If I'm being totally transparent here, then I have to tell you I would have given up my closest childhood friend to have my parents "parent me" like this. Unconditional love....someone I could trust and openly share my feelings with....not berating me, but helping me up when I fail.

I think the idea that we can't be a parent and a friend at the same time comes from a non-Biblical view of what a friend is.

Being a friend does not necessarily mean being an equal. I have friends I look up to for advice, and friends I feel more often I have something to impart. I love both kinds: the kind I can sow into and the kind I can learn from. I have some friends I can share my worst details with, and other relationships where that wouldn't be appropriate.

"As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17

And being a friend doesn't mean you let the person get away with wrong behavior for the sake of keeping peace in the friendship. That is not what Proverbs 27:17 is talking about when it says, "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend." Just as you use a metal tool to sharpen a knife blade, it takes a substance of similiar strength and durability to handle the friction required to sharpen an object. A true friend is strong enough to stand up for what is right.

I love that I had the opportunity to study this today. I had always assumed I would have to choose between being a parent and a friend as my kids got older. Right now while my girls are young, it is natural to be a friend and playmate. I was dreading the day when I would have to abandon that to become "THE PARENT." I am excited to know that God has commanded us to love them with a friendship kind of love all along the way.

I'm Late to the Well....

All good intentions aside, I'm late in joining the ladies "At the Well." And to make matters worse, I won a doorprize! The first prize I've won through my blog (and it was the one I was really hoping for) - and I show up a day late.

In spite of it all, At the Well is one of a handful of memes that I have consistently stayed involved in. I love the introspection and insights it makes available to me as a mother and a wife. And it always brings me deeper into the Word.

Today's grand re-opening gives us a chance to examine the heart of At the Well, Titus 2:2-5.

When you read the Scripture found in Titus 2: 2-5, how do you see this playing out in your own life? If you could set some sort of goal in relation to this Scripture, what would it be?

Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have sound faith and be filled with love and patience.

Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good.

These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.

When I read these verses, I get excited about the part that encourages the experienced women to pass on their wisdom to the young women. I'm a fairly new mom and wife, and I look forward to gleaning the wisdom of women who've already been where I am, and have sound, godly advice for me.

Practically, the biggest part of this playing out in my life (the non-blogging part of my life, that is), requires me to climb out of my comfort zone. I need to be open to relationships at church and in Women's Bible study, that are not just with other moms and wives my own age. I need to push myself a little, and not allow myself to be so intimitdated by more experienced moms' success and wisdom. Sometimes it's easy to stick with what we know...but the familiar rarely helps us grow and mature.

When I read these verses, I think: Yes! I want to love my husband and children more! I want to function everyday with wisdom, living a life that is pure! I want to do good and work in my home, and learn how to submit to my husband more! In essence, I want to be a better wife and a better parent.

But the main goal is to live my life in a way that honors God, especially in the context of my family life as a wife and a mother. Being fully aware that I won't always succeed, my desire is to be intentional, and focus on my everyday interactions. To take a step back at the end of the day, and take note of whether my actions toward my children and with my husband were honoring to God.

Resolutions - Looking Forward to Newness

Today's Topic: Regrets and Resolutions

Today's Host: LauraLee at LauraLee's Lifesong

LauraLee writes, "The New Year is a time for us to let go of the past and look forward to newness. Everyone thinks about that differently." She poses these questions for us to think about:

1. What is your favorite "resolution" in the Bible? 2. Do you do a New Year's resolution? Why or why not? Does your family make a resolution together? 3. Usually a resolution comes as a result of regretting something you didn't do the year before. How do you let go of the regret and move forward? 4. Have you ever made a resolution in the past that you didn't keep and wish you had?

One of my favorite resolutions in the Bible is Psalm 92:1-2. "It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to the Most High. It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening," It is something I have worked on throughout last year, giving God thanks and praise everyday, no matter my circumstances.

To be completely honest, I've never been much of a resolution-maker. A year-long list maker, yes; a once-a-year goal maker, no.

But I've also never quite looked forward to a New Year like I have this year. I was looking for a concrete point where we could put the craziness of the past year behind us and start fresh.

While I haven't decided on any detailed resolutions, I did have a few ideas. Resolutions seem to flow from our priorities. So for the New Year, I want to consider some of my personal, marital and family priorities.

First off, I want to review our Family Vision, as a family. I want to see where we got off track and where we've accomplished what we set out to do.

Secondly, by accident, it seems my husband and I somehow got on the same page, and we're getting our house in order. He's wrapping up the loose ends of incomplete home improvement projects (don't ask how since he still has a 1 lb weight limit from his double broken wrists) and I'm getting rid of the unneccessary around here (clearing out closets, cupboards, craft rooms). Getting rid of the excess appears to be a common goal.

Thirdly, I want to continue to put some serious energy into our marriage. I'm thinking the Love Dare book that I did not complete last year. Or maybe another round of the 30-Day Encouragement Challenge.

Lastly, I want to be purposeful in my relationship with God. I want to guard the time I have to spend with Him, not fill up my days so that I am too busy, and really dig in this year. I want to hear what God has to say and dig into His word even more. Last year was a year of pruning and taking away, this year I want to bear some fruit!

To start, I found a list of questions over at Ashley's that were helpful in taking spirtual inventory. She says, "Even those most faithful to God occasionally need to pause and think about the direction of their lives. It's so easy to bump along from one busy week to another without ever stopping to ponder where we're going and where we should be going. The beginning of a new year is an ideal time to stop, look up, and get our bearings. To that end, here are some questions to ask prayerfully in the presence of God."

1. What's one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God? 2. What's the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year? 3. What's the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life this year? 4. In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you do about it? 5. What is the biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year? 6. What is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church? 7. For whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year? 8. What's the most important way you will, by God's grace, try to make this year different from last year? 9. What one thing could you do to improve your prayer life this year? 10. What single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity?

Blessings in the New Year,

Standing for Your Marriage

Today's Topic: Standing for Your Marriage

Today's Host: Chelsey at Joyfully Living

Chelsey has a great post today. If you get a chance, stop by and read it for yourself. She asks us the following:

What does commitment in marriage mean?

What kind of wife are we called
to be to our husbands?

What are ways that we can Biblically stand for
our marriage?

When I first got married, commitment meant, "for better or for worse." As in, you don't give up or walk out, no matter how hard it gets. And although that definition stays true, for me after almost 7 years, it has acquired new depth.

Commitment to something means to bind yourself to a course of action, or pledge to do something in the future. But in marriage, is commitment really just sticking with it, as in not leaving? Or does it require more? Can you still "give up" without actually getting divorced?

What if standing or fighting for our marriage was not even about something as difficult as infidelity or an unsaved husband? What if the issue was just something as mundane as not feeling cherished, or important? Or not agreeing on an important decision? Or something as simple as not feeling heard? These issues can create a crevice over time that seems irreparable.

When I think of those committed to a cause, I think of people doing everything they can to "make it happen." That's the kind of commitment I want to have in my marriage. Not just the "I'm in it for the long haul" commitment, but the "I will do everything I can to make the most of this relationship" commitment.

The kind of wife I feel God calling me to be is one who honors her husband by submitting to his leadership, supporting him in his role as leader, not undermining him when I think I know more. A wife who makes her husband feel respected by being slow to speak and listening twice as much, who asks for his advice instead of rushing into things on her own. A wife who allows her husband to hear from God and exercise his right to decide what is best for our family.

Mostly, I feel God challenging me to be a wife who honors her husband whether or not he responds the way I think he should. I want to extend love, even if I'm not getting as much attention as I want. I want to listen to hear what he has to say, even if I have to repeat myself often. That's real God-honoring commitment.

Maybe you don't have the same struggles in your marriage that I do. But I find these things really hard to remember sometimes. And even when I do remember, sometimes it's hard to find the resolve in myself to do the right thing. So that's why I have to go to the Word (like I had to today) and remind myself of what God wants to see in me. And let the Holy Spirit fill me with godly resolve to become the kind of wife God designed me to be.

There are a few ways I can align myself with God's word to take a stand for my marriage. The one that God is working on in my heart recently is to humble myself. Phillipians 2 tells us how to embrace humility like Christ. I've never understood this passage better than in the light of my marriage relationship:

"Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?

Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form,he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

When I humble myself, bowing down before God in an act of sacrifice and worship, it gets me out of the way so God can do a lasting work in my marriage.

Right now I am practicing these things in my marriage through the Love Dare book. I hope this can help me identify ways to make humility and service a godly habit in our relationship.

The Challenge Outcome

Today I am thankful for the work God is doing in my marriage. I started the 30-Day encouragement challenge 2 months ago because of an At the Well post on building up your spouse.

Wow, how our marriage has been transformed! Or should I say, how hasn't it been transformed?

I knew it would take me a few months to get it down pat, so after I completed the first month, I started the challenge over. All the while, I did not tell him (my husband) exactly what I was doing. He noticed the changes and asked me about it often.

In the middle of the second month, Troy and I made a date night to see Fireproof at the theater. I had it in my head that I wanted to support a movie based on godly principles while it was in the theater, so the world would see that there is a market for wholesome and godly.

Without revealing the storyline, there is a key element in the movie very similiar to my 30-Day Encouragement Challenge. I was so excited, before I realized it I nudged my husband and said, That's what I am doing for you!

By the end of the movie, we were both equally stirred in our hearts. We had a wonderful, meaningful conversation on the way to dinner, about where our marriage was and where it was heading. We made new commitments to each other, with specific promises of what we would each try to do for the other person.

I'm not one to gush about a movie, but this is one that is worth taking the time for. Even if you have young kids. It's worth the trouble of finding and paying for a sitter. Consider it an investment in your marriage. If you live nearby, Troy and I will watch your kids so you can go see it. Yes, you heard me, free babysitting! We believe in it that much.

Slightly related, I am thankful for an encouragement I received from Peggy today at Amazing Grace ~ Mazes, Messes and Miracles. She wrote a note, passing on some blogging friendship awards to me that made me smile. Unfortunately, I could not access them at the time I was writing this or else I would share them with you.

Peggy also has, in the same post, a link for The World of Chelle, a discussion blog that is born from the book THE LOVE DARE which came from the movie, you guessed it, Fireproof. I was so encouraged when I read parts of it, that I made an extra stop today at the Bible bookstore to grab my own copy. I was just getting ready to start a 3rd month of the 30-Day Encouragement Challenge, so I decided to give this one a try instead.

Stay tuned and I will let you know if the outcome of my new challenge is as successful as the first challenge. I am believing it will be!

Blessings,

Today Iris was thankful for special friendships. What are you thankful for? For more words of inspiration visit her at Sting My Heart....

30-Day Encouragement Challenge

Today's host: Cindy Beall

Today's topic: Marriage - Building Up Your Spouse

How well do you sweet-talk your spouse?

What are some things you can say TODAY to let your spouse know that you think the world of them?

Today I start with an admission: this is an area I struggle with. Bless, edify, build up, encourage, inspire, praise, thank, uplift. No matter how you say it, I need to work on it.

Our host, Cindy, made some great points today about talking kindly of our husbands when we are in the presence of others. This is not the area I struggle with, but it reminds me of the story that inspired me to treat my husband well in public.

Ronald Reagan is the first President I vaguely remember as a young girl. But I've heard stories about Nancy Reagan that left an impression on the wife in me. "My life really began when I married my husband," said Nancy Reagan, who happily left an acting career for a role as the wife of Ronald Reagan and mother to their children. Apparently, the press would write stories of how she would gaze adoringly at her husband during his speeches. In fact, she was so enamored with him, that many a press story was committed to debating whether or not it was an act. You have to remember, this was in the midst of the feminist movement, and to regard your husband with awe and devotion was not part of their agenda!

Upon hearing these stories, I purposed this is how I wanted to look at my husband. I knew her husband could not be perfect, he had to have faults like the rest of us. But she chose to let her love reign and to honor him by giving him respect and adoration when they were in public, in spite of the continual public criticism she received for it.

And in case you're wondering, Nancy got the last word. Listen to what I read recently. "Today, long after the fact, even some of the Reagans' harshest critics concede that Nancy's onstage affection for her husband was no act. None other than the Washington Post's Sally Quinn recently told Vogue magazine that Nancy "got a lot of flak about 'The Gaze.' But we now know it was real." This is a major concession from someone who used to regularly join in on the criticism for reader's of the Post's Style section." (Nancy: A Portrait of My Years with Nancy Reagan, by Micheal K. Deaver)

Troy and I made a committment early on in our marriage, that one of the worst scenarios we could imagine was for us to be in a group of friends and one of us starts complaining about or announcing the other's faults. We decided to keep our issues just that - ours! And we made an agreement to work on them in private. And I purposed to work on my "adoring gaze," which sometimes translated to publically complimenting him.

But somewhere along the way, in our 6 1/2 years of marriage, Troy and I recognized a core issue in both our lives. Neither one of us naturally sweet talks in private.

This presents itself as a problem, since we both acknowledge our deep need for encouragement, support and acceptance. Especially from each other.

Not only do we struggle with giving compliments, we both struggle receiving compliments. A typical Troy-response to my awkward attempt at encouragement is usually an averted gaze and uncomfortable snicker. A typical Rebecca-response is to clumsily deflect or change the subject. Seem strange? It did to me, too. What kind of person must I be if I feel uncomfortable hearing something so enjoyable, something I actually long to hear?

A friend pointed out recently that neither of us have been exposed to this wonderful gift. I do not remember hearing my parents "bless" each other. Neither does my husband. For that matter, I don't know that either one of us has consitently been on the receiving end of this kind of encouragement. It's almost as if we don't know what to do with it.

Consequently, even though we know what we are intended to be for each other, what we really struggle with is (and here's the dead give away that I've been watching way too many late night Olympics) - follow through.

So, in true Olympic fashion, I have designed a program for myself.

While I was praying and reading and studying on this topic throughout the week, I stumbled across an amazing 30-day challenge at Revive our Hearts.

30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge for Wives

The challenge is basically this:

* You can't say anything negative about your husband....to your husband...or to anyone else, about your husband.

* Say something that you admire or appreciate about your husband...to your husband...and to someone else, about your husband!

Whew! This was not going to be as easy as I thought it was. Nevertheless, I was inspired to read this, "Perhaps it has taken you a tremendous amount of courage to speak words of encouragement consistently to your husband. Courage comes as we place our trust in God. Have faith that God will continue to work long after your encouraging words have been shared."

This project was designed with me in mind. Each day includes a foundational Scripture (love it!), a positive attribute of my husband to focus on and a practical way to bless and encourage him.

It essentially gives me the words to say, all I have to do is put the heart and prayer behind those words. And trust me, I'm in need of that kind of direction. They will even send a daily email to my Inbox to make sure I don't forget!

So, being Monday, I've had 3 days to practice my new "skill." And I've had 3 days to make mistakes. The best part is now that I've set the bar, I am acutely aware when I fall short. And with that knowledge, I can improve.

So what are some things I can say to my spouse to let him know I think the world of him?

Here's how it's gone so far:

Day One - I thanked him for choosing me, above all other women (with all my faults), and let him know I am glad God led us together and that I will be in his corner "all the days of (my) life." Proverbs 31:11-12

He laughed as he said "Oh-kay." When I asked why he laughed, he said it was because he was wondering what I wanted from him.... Obviously I have a long way to go.


Day Two - I thanked him for serving our family by working and providing for us. "...through love serve one another." Gal 5:13b

Since my daughter had a contagious infection, we were unable to go out in public this weekend. This day, I decided to let Troy sleep in. I got up before him, loaded up the girls and drove to the Starbucks drive-thru to get his favorite coffee. I told the girls we were serving Daddy to thank him for all he does, and Olivia got excited to dress in her best princess dress and shoes and present Daddy with his coffee in bed.

Later that day, Troy stepped in and offered to Olivia to take her lunch dishes to the sink for her. He explained, "Since you served me this morning, I'd like to serve you." I like the chain reaction this exercise is already having on my family.


Day Three - Blew it! Was supposed to "suffer long and be kind" (1 Cor 13:4) by appealing to him for help without complaining and letting him know it's hard for me to handle some things alone. I let him know I couldn't handle something alright....but not without complaining.

My considerate husband stepped up anyway, and helped me out. Even more to thank him for.


Day Four - Today! My goal is based on Eph. 4:28 "...let him labor, working with his hands what is good..."

I intend to let him know how much I value and appreciate the work that he does. And let him know how attractive his strength and diligence are to me. As a matter of fact, I've already sent him a text.

The interesting fact is the further I get into this challenge, the more excited I am each day to see what is to come and to find out how I can encourage my husband. I'm usually peeking ahead to the next couple days.

I leave you with this: "Criticism leaves scars; but encouragement can bring healing."