Find Rest

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5-8

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Long overdue updates

It's been a hard couple of weeks. I've had a difficult time finding the motivation to write at all. I mean, wasn't I just here? This journey is all too familiar. GRIEF. A different road, but a parallel path.

I've spent lots of time with Crystal and her kids, and even more time thinking and praying for them. And in so many ways, it has taken me back to the raw emotions of our own loss last summer. But in other ways it seems so much harder than what I went through.

My heart longs for Crystal and her kids to be far enough down the road that the hurt has subsided and they've found a way to make it. I wish I could do that for them. I can't, and it hurts.

O Lord, be gracious to us, we long for you.

Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.

Isaiah 33:2

A blogging friend that I've never met, sent me this verse on a 3 x 5 card in a package of wonderful homemade soaps I ordered from her. She had read my last post and had some encouragement for me. Actually, she sent me 9 incredible verses. She must have remembered that I like to write them out and put them around my house. Or maybe God just put that in her heart as a gift to me. Either way, these verses are now spread around my home and car, to literally bring me strength throughout the day.

And it reminded me why I needed to write. It's because of all the beautiful emails and comments I've received that have encouraged me in the last couple weeks. Many of you have been where I am. You are all too familiar with this journey. So I share in the hopes that maybe you can help me travel it just a little bit easier.

UPDATE # 1: Pregnancy, week 20.

About two weeks ago, I had a detailed ultrasound with a perinatologist. He was checking on the baby's health, the previa, the placental tear and most importantly - Gender! I have good news all around.

The baby looks great. No issues, no "markers" to indicate any problems. We're measuring exactly on track. And there is no sign of the previa. That has grown up and the placenta is now off my cervix, clearing the way for baby to make it out with no issues when the time comes.

The placental separation cannot be found! Praise God. 12 weeks of bedrest finally did its job and my body was able to heal. More importantly, this means my physcial restrictions were lifted. And God knew the exact timing. I needed to be able to be up and around so I could help my friend these last few weeks. I would not have been able to watch her kids, since I would not have been allowed to lift the baby. My stamina is not yet what I hoped, but I'm believing it will get there. The doctor advised me to ease back into things gently. That has been easy on some days, harder on others. But my body lets me know when I've overdone it, and I don't have much choice but to sit back down for a little bit.

And lastly, it appears with some degree of certainty that we are being blessed with another girl! I'm not sure what God had in mind giving my husband four girls to take care of in his house, except that he must be pretty good at it. It was not a surprise to me, as I noted the similarities with my first pregnancies. Just like last summer I was able to be confident we were pregnant with a boy because of the differences. We are grateful and excited!

I am also happy to announce, I had my first inquiry of pregnancy from a stranger. It may have had more to do with the awkward clutching of my belly after a too-long trip with the girls to the library but I have convinced myself it is because I am finally starting to get a belly.



UPDATE #2: Madeline

I am happy to report some improvement in her health, immune system and allergies. Without getting too detailed, it appears that the chemicals that have been so hard for her body to filter out have finally started to leave her system. This allows for her filtering organs, such as her liver, to actually begin healing and stop being overtaxed. We added 3 new foods into her diet in the last 2 weeks. Foods that she previously couldn't handle. It may not seem like much, but to us it is nothing short of a miracle.

On the other hand, if you've gleaned anything from previous posts, you will already know that she is a character. She is full of life, energy and has no fear. That being said, yesterday she was at her grandparents house for an overnight with her sister and cousins. Troy and I were looking forward to an evening that didn't include making dinner, baths or bedtime routines. We had just finished one of our goals for the evening, dinner out, when we got the dreaded call.

Something involving Madeline, her cousins, her sister and a swiveling office chair resulted in a fall requiring immediate attention. (Can I just admit to you at this point that my primary feeling was not overwhelming concern for the well-being of my daughter, but rather a selfish disappointment in the loss of a rare evening alone? Just keeping it real.) In spite of her protests over the phone that she had been "healed for a minute" when everyone prayed for her, we knew we had to get it checked. This IS the same girl that toughed it out for 6 weeks with half a toothpick lodged in the arch of her foot, and only complained twice - once when it happened and six weeks later when we realized she needed a doctor visit.

So I packed my bag and made the 45 minute trip to my in-laws. My father-in-law graciously accompanied us to the ER, probably because he didn't know it was going to take over SIX hours. But thank God that he did. Madeline's arm was so hurt that she couldn't lay or sit or move without being in intense pain. I was in no condition to lift, carry and move her on my own, not to mention I wasn't allowed in the room for the X-rays.

After a second round of x-rays, the doctors could not find a fracture. That's not to say there isn't one, because apparently they hide in the growth plates of kids her age. And whether it was a fracture or a sprain, the poor kid did NOT want her arm moved. They stabilized it in a hard cast and she immediately perked up. She hasn't cried since unless you touch or move her, or she is trying to roll over in her sleep.

And yes, my two year old still has a pacifier. But seriously, at 7:30 she gets her blanket and pacifier out of her room and announces to us that she is ready for a rest. THEN, she goes to bed willingly. Who am I to mess with perfection? It's a summer goal to get rid of it. As is potty training and moving her into her sister's room. Any and all tips are welcomed.

Thank you for your notes and thoughts and prayers. I hope I get some time to get caught up with everyone in the next few weeks.

Thankful

Today I am feeling grateful. I had an appointment today and the baby is doing fine. I still have the small placenta tear, so I'm limited in activity. But I am feeling blessed and thankful that the baby is doing well.

In just a few more weeks we'll find out if we are having a baby girl or a baby boy. I have my suspicions..... I'll keep you posted.

"You are my God, and I will praise You; You are my God, I will exalt You." Psalm 118:28

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Sweet Friends

"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." Proverbs 27:9

I used the New Living Translation for my Scripture photo today, but I also appreciate the wording in the Holman Christian Standard Bible.

"Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel." Proverbs 27:9

Sometimes the perspective of a friend is just what we need to get us back on track. And knowing that we can count on the godly advice of a solid Christian friend is truly something to cherish.

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Perfect Peace

Last week I was driving. I had a ways to go, probably 45 minutes, and the girls were busy in the back seat with papers and purses. I could have spent my time listening to worship music, or one of the podcasts I downloaded to my phone, but I didn't. Instead I was mulling.

Here's the backstory, as they say in Hollywood (or at least how I picture them saying in Hollywood). There is a relationship in my life that I've been bringing to the Lord for some time. Not only was it often hurtful, but it started to become unhealthy to me and to my family. Or maybe it had been that way all along and I just didn't see it.

Some months ago, my husband and I determined to seek God on how we should approach the situation. We knew we had to get together in love and try to get some resolution. But our offers for conversation were rejected. Many times. After many months, we both felt a release from pursuing it any further.

After that, my life was filled with much more peace than I had known in a long time. I think by trying to always "fix" the relationship, instead of asking God what He would require of me, I kept myself unnecessarily in midst of much drama and hurt.

So, back to my car ride. A couple days prior, I ran into said person at an event. In the course of a very few minutes, they were able to offend and disrespect me, lie to me and again refuse an offer to get together to make things right. As you might suspect, this sort of played itself out over and over again in my mind. And on that particular day, I had quite a bit of uninterrupted time to stew on it.

What was making me the most upset, was that I felt like I didn't have the power to shut off the automatic playback feature that kept going off in my mind. I mean, who can just make themselves feel something different or not think about a thought that appears uninvited in their head? And I was mad that this person still seemed to have the power to hurt me.

All of the sudden, God spoke to my heart. Or maybe to my mind. Either way, I heard it loud and clear. He said to me, "Rebecca, I have released you from that relationship to bring you Peace. You can either choose to accept my gift, or you can continue to dwell on this situation. Either way, it's your choice."

And that was it. It pierced me straight to my heart. I was the one choosing to allow those thoughts to run rampant in my mind. And at the same time, choosing to reject the precious gift of Peace that God was trying to extend to my life.

I repented and spent some time thinking about how I could replace those instant replays with God's gift of peace. I decided to find a Scripture about God giving us peace, and I would memorize it. And whenever those thoughts set themselves loose in my brain, I would replace them by reciting my verse of promise over and over until they left.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

As a bonus, I read this over at Sunny's yesterday, about reacting versus responding. I felt encouraged to not only pray my Scripture, but to add a little prayer for the offending person. At least as much I can muster up honestly. She had some great Scriptures to inspire me.

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Everlasting Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, I thought there was something so romantic sounding about God's "Everlasting Love."

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

First, He tells us He has loved us with a love that knows not the boundaries of time. Everlasting love is an ancient love, an always love, and an evermore love. Then He tells us He draws us with loving-kindess, or His merciful favor. You can't find a better love letter than that!

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Falling Headlong

The Lord has been stretching me lately. Not in those rewarding ways, where you are afraid to do something He has told you to do, so you step out in faith and afterward you feel satisfied, obedient and fulfilled.

No, lately I've been traipsing through some unfamiliar territory. I'm talking the uneven grounds of going against things you were taught as a child, the rocky paths of stirring the waters and even the jagged road called "this might ruffle someone's feathers."

If you know me, you understand that I am more of a keep-the-peace kind of girl. I love to teach, support, and encourage. The gift of godly admonishment or confronting wrongs is not in my bag of tricks.

But it has been a call I cannot ignore. The voice of the Lord asking me to go deeper, further than I've been before. I need to grow up in Him, do the right things even when they aren't easy. And then there is God's written word, confirming how a righteous man or woman behaves.

The problem is sometimes after I've obeyed, everything seems to blow up. It appears to be worse than before. And I begin to doubt if I even heard Him right to begin with.

I admit that I've worked hard throughout my life to establish an authentic grace-filled relationship with God, as opposed to one that is based on following all the rules and performing with perfection, because I so desire Him to be pleased with me.

So when I read this verse, you could almost see the relief wash over me.

Psalm 37:23-24 "Our steps are made firm by the Lord, when he delights in our way; though we stumble, we shall not fall headlong, for the Lord holds us by the hand."

In my attempts to hear God correctly, and be obedient to what I think He has asked me to do, I very well may stumble. I may not get it exactly right at first. But He is not going to let me fall headlong down a flight of stairs. I might miss my step, but thankfully He is holding my hand and has promised not to drop me. I feel just like a child who is not so steady yet, but who has a loving parent saying: Trust me. Follow Me. I have planned for you to walk this way.

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Purpose for Me

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8

I was dwelling on this verse this morning and thinking about what a wonderful promise we have been given! Then I realized that this verse used LORD, all caps, versus Lord. I remembered from our last women's Bible study that there was a difference between the two spellings, so I looked it up.

When we see LORD, it means Yahweh or Jehovah, "I am who I am." It denotes God's personal name and his eternality. It is often used in relationship to God as redeemer and covenant keeper.

In the midst of life's ups and downs, it blessed me to know that it is the LORD, my redeemer and covenant keeper, that promised to fulfill his purpose for me! Even when our situation looks like it is meaningless, God promises us that he has a purpose.

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Unfailing Love

A few months ago I shared that we chose a life verse for each of our girls. A verse that simply expresses something God has laid on our hearts for their life. I'm still working on my project to somehow display each of their verses in their rooms. For Olivia we chose Isaiah 54:9-10,

To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

Olivia's name is derived from the olive branch, which is a symbol of peace and is mentioned in the story of Noah. We love this promise for her that nothing in life can change the unfailing love of her God or take away His promise for peace.

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Promises for the New Year

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I ran across an article the other day, in which the author was particularly excited about some Chinese fortunes they had acquired. They went to the trouble of saving them and framing them, putting much hope and expectation into what they promised.

I thought about how blessed we are to have the promises of God's Word to get us through the difficult passages of life - and how glad I am that I don't have to rely on the luck of a fortune cookie to tell me what my future holds.

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Three Stranded Rope

"And if somebody overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12

In this picture, from left to right, is Faith, Olivia Faith and Olivia. No, I didn't stutter. And they used to all refer to each other as "Two Wawa" (as in two Olivias).

We go to a large church. When I saw an announcement in the bulletin for twin girls just 3 months older than my baby, who were named Faith and Olivia, I knew I wanted to meet the mom who chose the same names I did for my daughter, Olivia Faith.

Never would I have guessed that when I finally did meet her, when our girls were 3 years old, that she would become a God-sent friend to us. Crystal (a.k.a. Dr. Crystal) was the one who eventually led us in the natural direction that helped us deal with our youngest daughter's medical issues, including her severe allergic reactions.

The three girls have become fast friends, not to mention their mothers. How could they not? It almost seemed "meant to be." I just love how God puts people in our paths.

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Recycled

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!"
2 Corinthians 5:17

Isn't it amazing that when God agrees to take on our messed up, garbage-filled lives and make us into new creations, that He knows exactly what has redeemable value and what needs to go immediately?

I'm forever grateful that God saw enough value in me to pull me out from the garbage and breathe new life into my soul. By the grace of God, I am a new creation!

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Rejoice Over You With Singing

We chose a life verse for each of our girls. A verse that simply expresses something God has laid on our hearts for their life. We have plans to display each of their verses in their individual rooms. For Madeline, we chose Zephaniah 3:17.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

If you are at all familiar with her story/testimony, then you will understand why this verse is so very special for her. Madeline has battled one physical issue after another. But we KNOW God is with her and that he takes great delight in her just as she is. We also know that He is the ultimate healer and we continue to pray that he will take care of all her physical limitations.

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Autumn Rains

Be glad, O people of Zion,
rejoice in the LORD your God,
for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness.
He sends you abundant showers,
both autumn and spring rains, as before.
Joel 2:23

We had our own rare and refreshing autumn rain two days ago. Tell me, what's more carefree than a permission-to-get-your-clothes-soaked dance in the rain?

Today, let yourself soak in the promise of God to send abundant showers to bless your life.

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Season of Waiting

If my life was divided into seasons, this one would be called Waiting. God has been teaching me layer upon layer of lessons in this area.

My sister posted this picture recently of my newest nephew, Evan. The verse is a most accurate, beautiful picture of this season of my life.
WFW credit to Elizabeth.

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The "Art" of a Child

Proverbs 3:1-4

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

This was Madeline's imaginative idea of how to use the stickers she found in Olivia's secret stash. For Olivia, it was unacceptable! Until 2 minutes later when it was brilliant. For me, it was a real-life object lesson. My mind immediately went to this verse about writing God's law on my heart.

Lately I've needed more than just God's Word in my hands, on my mind or even in memory. I've needed it deep within my heart so I could rely on it when times got rough.

You know how sometimes we know something in our heads, something as simple as "God will always take care of me." But life happens, and it's in those times that even simple truths run into a little bit of trouble making their way from our brains down to our hearts. You know that place.....where thoughts collide with emotions. The place that often succumbs to worry, fear or discouragement in spite of what we know to be true.

I need God's word to penetrate my heart in a way that overcomes my fears. In an absolutely real way, that takes away my feelings of being overwhelmed. In the way that instills in my very being WHO God is and WHAT He is capable of doing.

So in times like these, when life is not all smooth sailing, and the seas are more than just a little choppy, my prayer will be that the Holy Spirit would write God's truths on my heart in permanent marker (or as they say in California, with a sharpie). That those truths would be forever imprinted there and not even the storms of life will be able to wash them away.

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You've Got Mail!

This is a perfect picture of how I've approached my time with God the last couple days, with great anticipation of His Words to me. I NEED to hear what He has to say. As a matter of fact, I could use an actual letter from Him right about now.

I am 'waiting for the Lord'.....to move on behalf of my girls. I am 'waiting for the Lord'....to guide me along the right path of care for them. Mostly, my soul is just 'waiting for Him' to come be with me. There are so many "uncertains" for us in the coming weeks -- and the planner-in-me gets quite agitated when too many uncertainties start floating around at the same time.

Olivia wanted to read out of her First Virtues for Toddlers before bed tonight. I asked her to choose the story; she picked "Duckling is Patient." This was a new word for her (patient), although not necessarily a new concept. It was fun listening to her roll it around on her tongue a few times before it was familiar to her or recognizable to us.

As we went through each scenario with Duckling, she would stop and try to find an experience she could relate to. "Oh! Like when I open the door for you and you go in first. I wait for you." And although I wanted to impart the many meanings of patience to her, each page seemed to shout out the same thing, Duckling needed to learn how to wait. [This is one of my favorite parts of having a toddler. All my deep and theological concepts about God get broken down to their simplest form in order for me to explain them to her. It's a good exercise for me.]

So I started thinking about what had me so disturbed today (and disturbed is putting in mildly). I believe it was made clear to me tonight that it all boils down to the waiting. Waiting to find out: Will this antibiotic work for the girls or will they end up in the hospital? Will Troy or I come back as "carriers" who've passed this infection on to our girls? Will we get to go on our already-paid-for family vacation? Will their second cultures come back negative so we can take ourselves out of quarantine? We won't know that for at least 2 weeks!

What is it that can get me through when I have no choice but to wait? Knowing my hope is in God. Today that just didn't seem tangible enough for oh me of little faith, which is why I suppose the psalmist wrote "and my hope is IN HIS WORD."

I need to go back to the promises I KNOW to be true -- I'll find them in His word -- and put my hope in those. This is my new and improved plan for tomorrow. I think it's a good one.

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Word Filled Wednesday

I needed this verse today. I needed to know God's thoughts were on me.

Another version says:

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

Yesterday was a little harder than usual. I was running errands, with the girls in tow, and I ran into some old friends who were excited to ask how me and the baby were doing. (Over six weeks now, and it just never gets any easier to explain the baby is no longer with us.)

At the point they asked, I was trying to get somewhere, but in reality I was lost. The one person who had the ability to help me, instead made me feel insignificant and ridiculous. And so I was wandering around, dragging my 2 girls behind me, willing us to find the right building. Madeline was missing her usual nap and was causing quite the scene. My emotions were already boiling over and these friends' innocent inquiry caused it all to overflow with none other than my oh-so-familiar comrade - tears.

And once those pesky tears find their way into my day, I might as well throw in the towel (or tissue) because they are there to stay. For the rest of the day, the littlest things made me weepy.

And so, today was the perfect day for me to join in on Word Filled Wednesday. God wanted to remind me once again that I am not alone. His thoughts are on me and His thoughts are vast. He has not stopped thinking about me. He has not stopped thinking about my baby. He understands when my tears find their way down my cheek and He knows. He suffered His fair share of sorrows. He, too, lost a son....

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