Friday, January 2, 2009

My Chistmas Gift to Me

Each year, when the stockings are filled, my husband tries his best to find special treats to put in my stocking. He doesn't necessarily enjoy it, but he knows I do, so he sacrificially makes that extra trip each year when he realizes he has forgotton. When I told him this year that I had my own stocking covered, you could almost see R-E-L-I-E-F spelled across his face.

For some time now, I have been trying to figure out a way to honor the baby boy we lost to miscarriage. I finally decided I was going to find what is called Mother's jewelry - a piece that in some way symbolizes each of your children. In our case, our two girls, and the baby we lost.

After searching long and hard, my dear friend Joy found this site, Queen Bee Designs by Amanda. She had the perfect necklace (and the perfect price). It came the day before Christmas, just in time to make its way into my stocking. I eagerly opened it on Christmas morning and instantly adored it!

This is the Three's A Charm design. The large disc is imprinted with Olivia's name, the medium disc with Madeline's name and the small disc is blank on the front, but has the baby's due date imprinted on the back. It was Amanda's idea to put the charm on the front so the small disc would blend better. She was so sensitive and thoughtful, and a delight to work with.

I'm normally not a big jewelry-wearer, but I've worn this every chance I get. In some strange way, this necklace has brought a little sliver of peace, that somehow helps lessen my grief. Maybe its a tangible assurance that our baby will not be forgotten.

The holidays were harder than I expected, with rogue thoughts of "I should have an 8 month pregnant belly" popping up unexpectedly. I guess in my naivety, I didn't think I would still be feeling the loss this strong for so long. It's a peculiar combination, the healing of moving on and the pain of remembering.

We have a little flip calendar in our bathroom, a verse a day kind of thing. And the verses of the last 2 days, were a good representation of that combination to me:

Psalm 23:4 "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou are with me; thy rod and they staff they comfort me." (The remembering.)

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (The moving on.)
Both represent that wonderful hope that I have in trusting God's promise to comfort me and protect me. Beautiful promises to hang onto in the New Year!


AmandaHoyt said...

I love your necklace - what a perfect way to honor your angel and your daughters at the same time. I love my necklace and would feel lost without it. I hope the new year brings you much peace and happiness.
Hugs and prayers,

Ashley said...


That necklace is absolutely beautiful and a great way to remember!


Julie said...

Oh Rebecca, I so remember these very feelings. Peace will come and God holds us as we grieve.

I love your beautiful necklace! We named the babies that we lost. The ones that we knew the gender of. Those are 3 boys and 1 girl.(Samuel, Thomas, Kelby & Aimee) We hang stockings for them every year and we have angel ornaments to hang on the tree. That's how we remember. We also do a little quiet something at what would have been their due dates. So, I totally understand your necklace and I am praying for you, my friend.

You are a wonderful mother and God has great awesome plans for you and your family. Hang on to that through the storms. :)
Much Love,

gail said...

i love your necklace idea as a reminder for you. and yes, the pain and healing does go hand in hand. the pain lessens. only every once in awhile will i think of the 22 year old i would have had, had it not been for a tubal preg at 10 weeks. i would have loved to have known her. but the little girl that arrived too early at 19 weeks is still my most painful of the 5 children i've lost. i got to hold her little blue body and we named her gabrielle grace. she would have been 5 1/2.

thank you for sharing. i'm a lurker so i'll go back to lurkdom now.